Fitness in Australia Episode 3: "Touch Footy"

Friendly Bernie (aka Pool Boy Bernie, the murderer): Hey guy, good news, the boys are playing "touch footy" today at lunch. Gotta hurry though, or we might miss it.

Gullirob: Touch whatty?

Bernie: Touch footy, champ...you know, Rugby, but for gentlemen (translated: small Americans with very little body mass)

Balsa Boy: (Skeptically) Will this be played anywhere near the pool?

Bernie: C'mon big boy (translated: little boy), just join right in, you'll pick it up.

Quick overview: Run in a straight line, at a slight angle, unless you can't run in a straight line and then just run in a crooked line. Advance down the field waiting for someone to throw the ball to you (yeah, right), and when (if) you get it, throw it behind you (huh?). If someone touches you while you (theoretically) have the ball, immediately stop, unless they were 5.37256 meters southwest of you at the time...in which case, run some more. Keep running until you get touched (translated: slammed deep into the earth by some guy called Dirk or Lachlan or Mick). At that point, stop (as if that were optional) and roll the ball (backward again) between your legs, (assuming they're not both broken) to Dirk or Lachlan or Mick. If you roll it to another American, you will be "touched" again. If (by some miracle) you happen to catch the ball that someone threw (backward) to you and there are no other players between you and the goal (3 and half kilometers downfield) run down there and touch the ball to the ground. Congratulations, you have just scored a "try"....(that's it?! Cheating death, and all I get is a "try").

After the game...

Bernie: So, how'd you go?

Little fella: I ran alot, but I never actually saw the ball...

Bernie: That's because it was behind you, mate!